Thank you AT&T for simplifying your cellphone plans. I don’t need reception now that I can tell how much I’m being charged to drop calls.
Thank you Chapstick for getting lost in my car. The scent of melted wax and cherries really make my 1993 Honda Accord smell less like Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and more like a poor way to treat a cold sore.
Thank you A&E television program Beyond Scared Straight, I was starting to worry that my stereotyping of prison life was wrong.
Thank you LAPD for giving me three tickets. I had just run out of toilet paper.
Thank you Facebook for suggesting things I would like. Even though I feel ashamed that you know me better than my parents, best friend, any girlfriend I’ve ever had, and my dog, at least I can be kept up to date on the latest information about the N64 version of Goldeneye.
Thank you Selena Gomez for clarifying that it is not you in the nude photo that’s been circulating. Also, thank you Roman Polanski for forwarding me the picture.
Thank you notes are the idea and property of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I just want to thank stuff too.
