Thank you Note Thursday 1/27/11

Thank you President Obama for delivering the State of the Union. Now there’s one more thing I wont understand my friends talking about this weekend.

Thank you Jamba Juice for including a boost in my drink. For a second my strawberry surf rider was refreshing until I got a dust explosion of immunity directly to the uvula. Although I wont suffer from a cold any time soon, I will spend the next three minutes coughing uncontrollably.

Thank you Lady Gaga for releasing a perfume that is going to smell like blood and semen. Now my girlfriend can smell like a hooker with bronchitis.

Thank you payroll for forgetting to pay me. I’ve felt the shame of getting paid minimum wage before, but, begging for that same minimum wage was a new low.

Thank you Christina Aguilera and Fergie for singing at the Superbowl. Now my girlfriend’s co-worker ‘C’ is coming to my Superbowl party.


Thank you notes are the idea and property of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I just wanna thank stuff too.

Thank You Note Thursday 1/20/11

Thank You Notes

Thank you AT&T for simplifying your cellphone plans. I don’t need reception now that I can tell how much I’m being charged to drop calls.

Thank you Chapstick for getting lost in my car. The scent of melted wax and cherries really make my 1993 Honda Accord smell less like Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and more like a poor way to treat a cold sore.

Thank you A&E television program Beyond Scared Straight, I was starting to worry that my stereotyping of prison life was wrong.

Thank you LAPD for giving me three tickets. I had just run out of toilet paper.

Thank you Facebook for suggesting things I would like. Even though I feel ashamed that you know me better than my parents, best friend, any girlfriend I’ve ever had, and my dog, at least I can be kept up to date on the latest information about the N64 version of Goldeneye.

Thank you Selena Gomez for clarifying that it is not you in the nude photo that’s been circulating. Also, thank you Roman Polanski for forwarding me the picture.

Thank you notes are the idea and property of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I just want to thank stuff too.