Portrait of Seth Meyers for sale

A portrait of SNL Weekend Update host Seth Meyers is for sale for $5500. One person who can’t afford the painting: SNL Weekend Update host Seth Meyers.

A shitty deal when you realize you can buy the ACTUAL Seth Meyers for $5000.

via Webz

The Human Torch is dead

Fantastic 4 member Johnny Storm, AKA the Human Torch has been killed off in the newest edition of the comic. His death is meant to be a warning to children not leave a full glass near the edge of the table.

"You don't want to end up like Johnny Storm, do you, Timmy?"

via The New York Times

Hubble looks 13.2 billion light years

NASA’s Hubble telescope took photos of galaxies over 13.2 billion light years away. The photos didn’t find any life, so, NASA went back to using the Hubble to try and spot their hot neighbor’s boobs.

"Damn it, her blinds are closed again."

via Popular Science

Department of Homeland Securit ending color coded threat levels

The Department of Homeland Security is ending the color coded threat level warnings. In it’s place a scale based on Adam Sandler films.

"May god have mercy on our souls."

via Wired

Saturday's Statistics 1/29/11

Our pollsters spoke to 100 people to get the latest numbers about the issues you care about. Below are the results on the Best Picture Oscar, The Verizon iPhone, and the State of The Union Address.

We asked people what film they thought was going to win the Oscar for Best Picture, overwhelmingly, people said The Social Network was going to win, beating out The King's Speech by a few votes. Not one person who participated in the poll thought Winter's Bone is going to win, and who could blame them. One person felt it was necessary to express, "the Chicago Bears suck."

We asked our participants if they were interested in getting the iPhone on Verizon, the majority seemed to enjoy having the iPhone on AT&T. 31 had no interest in an iPhone at all, regardless of network, beating out the 25 who were planning on getting an iPhone on Verizon. And one of our participants said, "Bears can eat a dick."

And, we asked our 100 participants how they felt about President Barack Obama after he delivered the State of The Union Address. 55% strongly approved or approved of the President while 44% strongly disapproved or disapproved of the President. One participant said, "I cannot conscionably judge President Barack Obama based on a single speech. The quality of a leader lies in his actions, not his words. I hope the President will follow the a course of action that will unite the nation and bring everyone closer to the American dream." He also added, "Fuck the Bears."

Tyrannosaurus: scavenger and predator

New information suggests the dinosaur Tyrannosaurus Rex was both a scavenger, feeding the dead, and a predator who preyed on the weak and helpless. To put it in simpler terms, Tyrannosaurus Rex was Cretaceous period Chelsea Handler.

A soulless killing machine and Tyrannosaurus.

via Wired

Tracy Morgan calls Sarah Palin good masturbation material

During a live broadcast of Inside the NBA pregame show Tracy Morgan said, “Yo, let me tell you something about Sarah Palin. She’s good masturbation material.” 


TNT has released an appologetic statement saying:

We're sorry Mr. Morgan spoke out in favor of masturbating while looking at Sarah Palin, it was an error in judgement. We urge the public not to attempt to masturbate while looking at Sarah Palin. If one were to masturbate to Ms. Palin, they'd likely get no pleasure from the experience and shamefully give up half way through to 'reload.' Again, we want o be clear, please no one masturbate to Sarah Palin, her ego's too big as it is.

via Entertainment Weekly

Ricky Gervais makes an appearance on The Office

Ricky Gervais made a cameo on last night's episode of The Office. Already a lot of celebrities are pissed off.

Warning: The image above will likely hurt your feelings.

via Hulu

Jersey Shore cast is heading to Italy

The cast of the Jersey Shore is heading to Italy for it’s upcoming season. Once they arrive they will usher in a new era where the worst part of Italian history is no longer Mussolini.

"Ah, fuck it's the Jersey Shore douche bags, don't look."

via CNN

Will Smith remaking Annie

Will Smith is producing a remake of the classic film Annie starring his daughter Willow Smith. Because if there’s one thing Willow Smith knows, it’s having a hard knock life.

Annie: The story of a girl with freaky hair.

via The Hollywood Reporter

Vanessa Hudgens replaced Britney Spears

Vanessa Hudgens has replaced Britney Spears as the face of girl's junior clothing sold at Kohl’s. Good news for Britney, she's gotten an offer that's much more suitable: the new face of Activia Yogurt.

Expect to see me at Kohl's in the Junior Girl's section.

via The Hollywood Reporter

Thank you Note Thursday 1/27/11

Thank you President Obama for delivering the State of the Union. Now there’s one more thing I wont understand my friends talking about this weekend.

Thank you Jamba Juice for including a boost in my drink. For a second my strawberry surf rider was refreshing until I got a dust explosion of immunity directly to the uvula. Although I wont suffer from a cold any time soon, I will spend the next three minutes coughing uncontrollably.

Thank you Lady Gaga for releasing a perfume that is going to smell like blood and semen. Now my girlfriend can smell like a hooker with bronchitis.

Thank you payroll for forgetting to pay me. I’ve felt the shame of getting paid minimum wage before, but, begging for that same minimum wage was a new low.

Thank you Christina Aguilera and Fergie for singing at the Superbowl. Now my girlfriend’s co-worker ‘C’ is coming to my Superbowl party.


Thank you notes are the idea and property of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I just wanna thank stuff too.

34,000 year old life form found

Scientist discovered a 34,000 year old life form that was still alive in Death Valley. They still have no clue why Larry King was there.

"Where's your telephone? I have a caller from Redding, California."

via Huffington Post

South Carolina dog learns over one thousand words

A South Carolina man’s dog knows 1022 words including nouns such as ball and verbs sniff. Sniff and ball? Didn’t it already do that anyway?

Geniuses.

via New York Times

TLC's week worth of programing based around Royal Wedding

TLC is planning a week of programming all based around the Royal Wedding. Not to be out done, Bravo has begun working on a month’s worth of programming based around the Royal Divorce.

"We don't have to have an absurd number of children, do we?"

via The Hollywood Reporter

Kristen Stewart wants to start charity for sex workers

Kristen Stewart wants to set up a charity for sex workers. When asked why, she said, “because I’ve always wanted to work with Lindsay Lohan.”

"Why don't people pay attention to me?!"

via MTV

Jennifer Aniston hates the 'Rachel Haircut'

Jennifer Aniston calls “the Rachel haircut” the ugliest haircut she's ever seen. One person who agrees with her: Brad Pitt.

"Ross seemed to like it..."

via People Magazine

Thank You Note Thursday 1/20/11

Thank You Notes

Thank you AT&T for simplifying your cellphone plans. I don’t need reception now that I can tell how much I’m being charged to drop calls.

Thank you Chapstick for getting lost in my car. The scent of melted wax and cherries really make my 1993 Honda Accord smell less like Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and more like a poor way to treat a cold sore.

Thank you A&E television program Beyond Scared Straight, I was starting to worry that my stereotyping of prison life was wrong.

Thank you LAPD for giving me three tickets. I had just run out of toilet paper.

Thank you Facebook for suggesting things I would like. Even though I feel ashamed that you know me better than my parents, best friend, any girlfriend I’ve ever had, and my dog, at least I can be kept up to date on the latest information about the N64 version of Goldeneye.

Thank you Selena Gomez for clarifying that it is not you in the nude photo that’s been circulating. Also, thank you Roman Polanski for forwarding me the picture.

Thank you notes are the idea and property of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. I just want to thank stuff too.

Matt Dillon helps woman who fainted in LAX

Matt Dillon helped a woman who fainted and hit her head on the floor at LAX. After she came to, she said she was a big Matt Dillon fan, doctors think this is a side effect of the head injury.

via TMZ

Sega creates video games for urinal

In Tokyo, Japan, Sega is releasing a new gaming device, the Toylet, a series of video game urinals designed to use men's urine stream as the control. Sega's next product release: The Toylet Number Two.

via The Daily Mail

Americans' 2011 resolutions: finding jobs

A poll conducted by websites Monster.com and HotJobs.com found that 98% of its users are looking for new jobs in 2011. Which I have to point out, a poll done by Monster.com and HotJobs.com of COURSE suggests that users are looking for new jobs. Just like a poll done by Amazon.com would indicate that 98% of users are looking to buy things, or a poll from AdultFriendFinder.com would indicate that 98% of users have had sex with Tila Tequila.

What's more disturbing is that 2% of the people who were polled were not looking for a job. Leaving only one possibility, that those 2% are gainfully employed internet predators.

Can you spot the internet predator?
Trick question: All of them want to rape you.

via Business Wire

Banned Kayne West album cover never banned

The original, phoenix in the cowgirl position, cover for Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy that was "banned" has been reveled to only have been a publicity stunt. And just in time too, we were starting to think Kayne West is weird.

If this was faked, maybe the removal of the 'n' word from Huckleberry Finn is just a publicity stunt stirred up because people aren't into Mark Twain. Oh, it was just stupidity? Oh, ok never mind.

I ain't gonna let you finish.

via AV Club

James Cameron disses Battleship film

In a recent interview James Cameron fired a shot across the bow of the upcoming Battleship film saying, "...these franchises are becoming ridiculous: Battleship. This degrades cinema." I think James Cameron just doesn't want any competition in the big-boats-sinking genre of movies. We'll have to see how everything pans out at the box office. Good luck, James.

Cameron didn't have anything disparaging to say about the Ouija movie, so we can safely assume he's excited to see it.

Do you wanna just play X-Box?

via I Watch Stuff

Fan creates Tron Segway

Tron fan Ricky Brigante modified his Segway to look like a vehicle from the Tron movies. Finally, a way to make Segways cool. 


Brigante plans to make multiple Tron inspired Segways so he could recreate the light bike races from the movie. He says the Segway light bike race will be kind of interesting the first time you see it, then, a short time later one can't help but wonder what the point is, much like a regular Segway.

via Wired

Gabrielle Giffords, AZ Congresswoman, Shot

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head at point blank range today when an assailant fired a handgun on her at during a meet and greet event outside of a Safeway. Congresswoman Giffords is thankfully alive and a hospital spokeswoman said they're optimistic about her chances.

The shooter, 22 year-old-nutbag Jared Lee Loughner, killed six and wounded at least ten with a handgun. His target, Congresswoman Giffods was a SUPPORTER of gun rights, a position that didn't come back to bite her in the butt, instead it came back to shoot her in the head, kill six people and wound at least ten.

Many people are speaking out against Sarah Palin's crazy ass for her violent rhetoric including images posted on Palin's website with crosshairs on Congresswoman Giffords' district and a caption that says, "We've diagnosed the problem... Help Us Prescribe the solution." Some are already coming to her defense and protecting the real victim in this tragedy.

Palin took a page out of the new edition of Huckleberry Finn and deleted all of the questionable material from her website. If only the past were as easy to change as a website maybe we wouldn't have a 9-year-old child dead in a Safeway parking lot.

Palin released a two sentence statement on Facebook where she extends her condolences. It was literally the least she could do.

I don't see cross hair... just misshapen hearts.

via Boing Boing
via Huffington Post
Sarah Palin's Facebook Page

This is an absolutely tragedy, I'm wishing for the best for everyone hurt by today's events. If you're offended, I sincerely apologize. I was doing my best to use satire to make a point. I don't believe guns are the answer to anything. No one should ever be physically attacked for their political beliefs. Violent rhetoric is a real problem and it should not be taken lightly. And, of course, Jared Lee Loughner is a douche.

Too much fluoride in water

The federal government said it plans to lower the recommended levels for fluoride in water. Budget cuts have made it impractical to continue the fluoridation of water, effectively ending the mass mind control program of the government.

I drink water all the time so I can't be held responsible for my actions.

via SF Gate

Man steps in front of train in Palo Alto (it doesn't end well)

A 19-year-old man died when he placed himself in front of a southbound Caltrain in Palo Alto. The man suspected he may be Superman, the man of steel, but, unfortunately he was in fact a man of soft killable flesh.



Many are upset about the incident, but, take comfort in knowing that the train is still in working order, and will be back on the tracks in a matter of days.

via SF Gate

Film director McG directing Ouija movie

Director McG has landed the job of directing the Ouija movie for Universal Pictures. Universal said McG was perfect for the film because of his work on Terminator Salvation where he, "took something everyone loved when they were young, and then made it absolutely terrible."

It's clear no one actually consulted a Ouija board and asked if McG should direct the movie, of course if they had, everybody playing would have pushed the answer to, "No."

via The Hollywood Reporter

Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark cast defends show.

Actors in the disaster-wrought production of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark have spoken out in defense of the show. Star of the show Patrick Page said, "Hey, nearly dying 6 days a week on stage is still better than working at the Sbarro in Brooklyn."

via Hollywood Reporter

More dead birds!

Around 500 dead birds fell from the sky in Louisiana just three days after thousands of birds died in Arkansas. I think this string of attacks was the work of Captain Sully Sullenberger, we already know he hates birds so much that he'd crash a plane just to kill a few dozen of them.

Sullenberger thinking, "This sky aint big enough for the two of us, bitch."

via Huffington Post

New edition of 'Huckleberry Finn' to lose the 'n' word

The new edition of Mark Twain's classic novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn will remove all instances of the 'n' word and injun. The edit makes sense because you can't change history, but, you sure can search and replace the embarrassing parts and hope everyone forgets.


Alan Gribben, a Mark Twain expert, spearheaded the initiative to take the words out of the book saying he was inspired by the book Tom Sawyer, and Sawyer's efforts to whitewash his surroundings. This effectively shows that being a Mark Twain expert doesn't require an understanding of anything Mark Twain wrote.


Proponents of the change say that the way in which words are expressed needs to be updated for the 21st century. Other updates for the 21st century they hope to accomplish include, 2084, A Holiday Carol, One Flew Over the Mentally Unstable's Nest, and Moby Penis.


via CNN

Tax deadline pushed back

Due to a little know holiday, Emancipation Day (April 16th this year), the deadline to submit federal tax returns has been pushed back 3 days until April 18. This of course has no effect on Nicolas Cage who always pays his taxes on Neveruary 32nd. 


Actual tax payers are free to submit their returns earlier than April 18th, however, if you pay your taxes on April 16th you have to put a 1 on line 24 of your return to indicate that you are in fact a racist.


via AP

Tons of fish and birds die in Arkansas

A few days ago, about 3,000 red-wing blackbirds died and fell from the sky in Arkansas. Today, nearly 100,000 dead drum fish are floating along the Arkansas River. Good news for the dead birds and fish, it's better to be dead than in Arkansas.

Officials suspect the red-wing blackbirds may have died from fireworks or lightning. To tell the truth it was me who killed all the birds, try laughing at me now you fucking dog.

In a second statement, officials said that the large number of dead drum fish is probably the bust that followed a boom in population. This is probably true because BP doesn't have any operations in the Arkansas River.

via AOL News

Americans watch more TV than ever

New data released by the Nielsen Company indicates that Americans watched more TV than ever before. Good news for everyone in the television industry except for the people working on Outsourced, a show that still has more cast members than viewers.

On average each person in the U.S. watched 34 hours of television a week. Personally I watched so much TV because I was praying for Bristol Palin to break her leg mid-tango on Dancing With The Stars, I suspect many of the blue states have the same reason for watching so much TV.

So here's to 2011, let's do it big and step up television watching to a full time job, 40 hours a week and we'll all be paid in painful mediocrity! Personally I can't wait to see if House is gonna be able to diagnose and treat the next weird disease that threatens everyone in the hospital (if I was a betting man, I'd say he can do it), and who knows, maybe The Simpsons will be able to recapture the spark it lost a decade ago.

via The AV Club

Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin break up

Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin have finally called it quit after dating for eight years. The two remain friends saying they share an unbreakable bond of having weird-ass names.

In a public statement Culkin did his best to maintain his holiday spirit, but, he was overcome with emotion.



Culkin plans to focus on his career and makes more movies while he's still on the A-list. Kunis said, "It's not cause I'm a lesbian now, doing the lesbian scene in Black Swan in no way changed my life forever and made me to discover who I really am."

via Yahoo